seems liike a bad habit where i visit and then forget about this site. dont know why it happens

so let me give an update.

since last time ive grown up and realized life isnt about how much money you have in your pocket or how many friends you have, the clothes you wear or the music you like. life is about what you do to better everything.

ive been through boot camp which was not hard for shit. sad and disappointing. malots of friends but exactly how it goes in the military friends come and go. I was in great lakes for my initial school to be a hopsital corpsman. I learned a lot not only school wise but life wise.

It seems like I really dont give a fuck about people and i enjoy making people think that i like them when in all actuality i fucking cant stand 98% of the people ive met.

now im in san antonio for my second school. I met a man here whos married with kids and fell in love but i am sure he will not ever be with me completely.

i dont want to hold on to all the old shit all the bad memories and regrets. each day is new.

so if they dont like you FUCK IT

keep moving on because in the end the only one that will help you crawl out of the dirt is yourself. you are your own hero

I like to listen to really sad and slightly depressing music when I blog. I find it easier to get these stupid emotions and thoughts out of my head and onto this. hmm

do you think people understand you?

I go day by day wondering if people think Im just full of shit and think im a fucking creep. Honestly I wouldnt blame them. I do act a tad bit weird at times. But honestly who doesnt? But not to get off the question ha. I just sit there and wonder "does this person really even think of me like they say they do?"

Ive lied to many people. Maybe to not be a bitch and hurt their feelings or something I dont know. But whats stopping someone else from doing that to me you know?

Of course Im not oblivious to the fact that someone out there isnt going to like me. It just bothers me at times. I want to make everyone happy. But I cant. Really, who can?

God? Yes I think so.

some dont think that he would help so what else?

I dont want to turn this into some religious blog entry dont take it that way.

ha. no

meh on a good note, spring break is over. Yea I know what some people must be thinking "why would you want it to be over you weirdo!"

Im one of those sad and lonely people who stayed home everyday and layed in bed till 3 pm everyday and did nothing but listen to retarded music and shove my face in a pillow.

Not entirely my fault though. My dad refuses to let me do anything. Fuck man I can barley have people over. Honestly hes old school mexican. you know? Like women belong in the kitchen, beat the shit out of them and blah blah. Whatever. Its just a drag when youre 17 and you feel like a withering old hag locked up in a room for the rest of your life.

But what is complaining going to do for me and my future? nothing at all and I am very aware of that. Im not complaining just trying to vent SOME of my frustrations out you know?

I constantly get mad at myself for complaining about my life. some people get killed living in the ghetto. Third world country children die of diseases. And Im sitting here unhappy about not getting a few things in life? yea when I have two great (divorced though) parents, nice family (kinda) a great house, cars, food, air, clean water. I feel disgusting and slightly selfcentered when I realize this.

Some people would cut their hand off for what I have. Yet IM not satisfied.

Ugh

Gluttony is it? Greed? Not sure but it sure is some kind of sin

I think people who have things nice take everything for granted and feel that those who have more than them are soooo happy and all this shit but they dont take the time to look at the people dying and suffering under them.

Am I one of those people? God I hope not.

I went snooping around on myspace (as usual) and came across whats her face's. She has pictures of dylan up on there. I hate looking at them. to me it breaks my heart to see his face and never be able to ever say a word to him. I guess thats life and death for ya huh? what are we supposed to do?

Lately Ive wondered if I can change myself. Yea I am the typical ranter who says every fucking day "todays gunna be different" and it isnt. I want to change. but into what? I envy a certain girl (lets call her Mindy). Mindy has everything. Her family spoils the shit out of her. She gets along with her sisters and brothers and everyone at school so well. She's a fucking drop dead gorgeous girl. Funny. Smart as fuck. Nice. Everything. I honestly cant find one wrong thing about Mindy.

I find myself always wanting to dress and act like her but I cant.

Mindy wears the cutest clothes and pulls off anything. I am constantly covered up in a sweater and jeans and cant pull of jack shit.

My friend told me that one day Mindy wouldnt have anything because her life has been so easy. One day Id have something because I have nothing that Mindy has. I hope its true you know?

I like to sit there in my room in the dark thinking "oh what am I gunna be like in 10 years...." but all i can honestly see is a manic depressive girl who has body issues and goes to counseling every other day. My life is plain now and i'm pretty sure its gunna be the same in the future.

Some girls (Mindy) are born with everything because they got lucky I think. Some girls (Me) are born with jack shit and the worst self esteem in the world. Thats just shitty luck huh?

lol

I can always joke about myself though

It helps. Like, I have a face for Radio. :3

funny huh?

Talk later. Good bye

visit my myspace (myspace.com/grotesque_beaute)

visit my formspring (formspring.me/stephanieblue)

its days like these where i want to stay inside all damn day under the fucking bed crying.

I feel like a loser honestly.

depression hurts at times. it sucks when youre getting help for it and the "help" doesnt really do shit for you.

I always seem to have problems with boys. At times i want to rip my hair out and turn the other direction and be with a girl but theres nothing that makes me even slightly attracted to one. its always males.

i am a constant nagger.

ask anyone

Im such a fucking downer.

and then I have my OMGGGG moments where life seems really good and I feel like my problems really melt away.

but they dont

they never will

ugh

Im honestly scared to go to boot camp in october.

im worried im too much of a pussy and i wont cut it

i hope I can do it though

its my future!!!

Oh....

i decided. I want to be a plastic surgeon.

why?

not sure. but the idea of giving ladies and gentlemen their ideal image body makes me smile

I like helping

Im back!

yea my kage16 profile was hacked

I hadnt been on in seriously over 7 months but someone else had been. hmmmm weird

anyways! EVERYONE ADD ME AGAIN!  =)